So I have been putting one foot in front of the other...and being healthy. And wow, it is sometimes so painful....my stomach hurts and I am so so tired. I wonder why being healthier is more tiring? I feel like I need a nap every day - and have honestly been taking one more days than not.
Putting my health first I have been working an abbreviated schedule and going home to rest and nap. I have been able to find a good balance and told my bosses that I needed some time to address some medical issues. And so far so good - it's been 4 weeks and I haven't had any symptoms.....and haven't really had any desires to use symptoms.
BUT.....I have been dealing with hunger. And feeding that hunger. And then feeling uncomfortable in my body with feeling full.....or feeling "fat" - And I know that my body is changing and I know that is has to in order to continue on a healthy road. But it is so hard sometimes.....to have just finished lunch and to feel hungry again....and to feel to afraid to eat...and then knowing that I have to......
Deep breath. I know I can do this and I know it will be uncomfortable. But I will continue to march through each day - - with faith and hope that each day will get easier and less painful.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, Monday
Here I am again. Monday morning.....the weekend was actually - ok. At least mentally. I have been healthy and eating what I should, not restricting and not over-exercizing. And actually had some fun. (Sledding with the kids made me laugh so much!)
But the eating process has been difficult...not mentally, but physically. I haven't had the urge to binge and purge - this is monumental.....but on the flip side, when I do eat normally I feel so uncomfortable....like my stomach has no idea what to do with this food. And I just honestly don't know what to do....because I am getting more hungry, I am eating more...but then I just am in pain and try to find a way to be comfortable in my skin.
I am lucky that I know this will pass, it will take a while to get my digestion system adjusted....I know that won't happen overnight and I know that I can do this. I have done it before, and survived. I can do it again....and survive.
So mental is better than physical now. At least it was this weekend. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.....
But the eating process has been difficult...not mentally, but physically. I haven't had the urge to binge and purge - this is monumental.....but on the flip side, when I do eat normally I feel so uncomfortable....like my stomach has no idea what to do with this food. And I just honestly don't know what to do....because I am getting more hungry, I am eating more...but then I just am in pain and try to find a way to be comfortable in my skin.
I am lucky that I know this will pass, it will take a while to get my digestion system adjusted....I know that won't happen overnight and I know that I can do this. I have done it before, and survived. I can do it again....and survive.
So mental is better than physical now. At least it was this weekend. I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and continue on.....
Monday, January 16, 2012
Chilly weekend
Too cold to go out....that was this weekend. Although we did run errands etc....not warm enough to spend anytime outside with the boys. As most weekend, it was all about the kids...and that is a tough one for me....because "me time" can get lost and I can get frustrated, and frustration is the first step towards resentment, and the next steps aren't pretty.
I have been working very diligently on removing myself from situations with my children that cause me tons needless frustration and anger. I actually tell the boys I need a timeout until they are ready to treat me nicely. If they are disrespectful or just plain mean I walk away.....and it actually has been working for me....and I think for them. They do get frustrated, because they aren't getting the attention from their mini (or sometimes full-on) tantrum....so it difuses the situation.
Keeping my frustration level low was goal #1 this weekend and I was sucessful. I also actually allowed myself to enjoy a bit of life, even though that feeling is somewhat unsettling. And most importantly I was healthy.
I have been working very diligently on removing myself from situations with my children that cause me tons needless frustration and anger. I actually tell the boys I need a timeout until they are ready to treat me nicely. If they are disrespectful or just plain mean I walk away.....and it actually has been working for me....and I think for them. They do get frustrated, because they aren't getting the attention from their mini (or sometimes full-on) tantrum....so it difuses the situation.
Keeping my frustration level low was goal #1 this weekend and I was sucessful. I also actually allowed myself to enjoy a bit of life, even though that feeling is somewhat unsettling. And most importantly I was healthy.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Another good, secluded day
So yesterday was another good, healthy and restorative day.
Also another day of cocooning within myself......containing my interactions with life and being careful with my emotions.
It was also a day that I actually cooked myself a delicious dinner - for the first time in months. I always cook, well not always, but I do cook - but mostly for the Sons and HH - also it we are having people over I cook and I like to. But my most recent struggles haven't allowed me to enjoy food in so so long, that I would never indulge to think of something I might want to eat - but last night I did - and it tasted good - probably the best, most satisfying meal in many months.
I started a worry book - - a place where I write down all my worries - to perhaps alleviate some of the anxiety I carry around in my head. I still carry it around, but written down in the notebook it becomes something I don't have to think about all the time....I won't forget it now that it is written down - I can read the worry's and try to see them with a new set of eyes - a more objective set of eyes - Most of my worries are about my kids...but I also have others....some irrational(I know this) and some more founded....but they are my worries, I own them and I pay attention to them...but I also know that I cannot (literally) lose sleep over them. Hopefully the worry book helps.
Here's to another day.
Also another day of cocooning within myself......containing my interactions with life and being careful with my emotions.
It was also a day that I actually cooked myself a delicious dinner - for the first time in months. I always cook, well not always, but I do cook - but mostly for the Sons and HH - also it we are having people over I cook and I like to. But my most recent struggles haven't allowed me to enjoy food in so so long, that I would never indulge to think of something I might want to eat - but last night I did - and it tasted good - probably the best, most satisfying meal in many months.
I started a worry book - - a place where I write down all my worries - to perhaps alleviate some of the anxiety I carry around in my head. I still carry it around, but written down in the notebook it becomes something I don't have to think about all the time....I won't forget it now that it is written down - I can read the worry's and try to see them with a new set of eyes - a more objective set of eyes - Most of my worries are about my kids...but I also have others....some irrational(I know this) and some more founded....but they are my worries, I own them and I pay attention to them...but I also know that I cannot (literally) lose sleep over them. Hopefully the worry book helps.
Here's to another day.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Good day (shhh, don't say it to loudly)
So yesterday was a good day. A healthy day. A day where I didn't starve and I didn't shove food. I didn't shove feelings or allow myself to get to tired, overwhelmed, stressed or frustrated. It was a "sheltered" day - - I tip-toed around myself. I quietly moved through the day, hoping not to encounter the self I have been for the past few weeks. It's tricky - but it seemed to work.
It left me with a vague feeling of cheating - like I really wasn't me, so of course it was a good day. Like any minute I would revert back to the chaos in my mind and I would be off and running....feeling like I wish I could disappear and run to the kitchen to numb myself. What is the real me....when I focus on sanity and serenity, do I live in a fantasy bubble - do I set myself up for a bigger fall in the end when it all does become too much?
Could the person that existed in my mind yesterday be the default person that I could be? What steps do I have to take to protect my health and sanity? What parts of my "normal" life might I have to sacrifice to survive? Should I volunteer less, spend less time at work, more with my kids, or vice versa? Do I get more involved or less....do I need to meditate, take yoga? Or is it simply the ability to commit fully to being healthy - no matter what.......?
It left me with a vague feeling of cheating - like I really wasn't me, so of course it was a good day. Like any minute I would revert back to the chaos in my mind and I would be off and running....feeling like I wish I could disappear and run to the kitchen to numb myself. What is the real me....when I focus on sanity and serenity, do I live in a fantasy bubble - do I set myself up for a bigger fall in the end when it all does become too much?
Could the person that existed in my mind yesterday be the default person that I could be? What steps do I have to take to protect my health and sanity? What parts of my "normal" life might I have to sacrifice to survive? Should I volunteer less, spend less time at work, more with my kids, or vice versa? Do I get more involved or less....do I need to meditate, take yoga? Or is it simply the ability to commit fully to being healthy - no matter what.......?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Time for a re-boot
Time to re-boot my life.....Things have gotten to the point where the chaos is too much and the constant fight with food is taking over. Now it's time to get out of this.....time to commit to healthy recovery 100% - no matter what - time to put myself first, not matter what. Time to say NO without feeling guilty to all the "shoulds" that spiral into frustration.
How did I get here? The question is valid. I had such a great recovery - full recovery. But that was then - when life was a bit more simple - when I didn't have two sons and a full-time job and a full-time nanny and full-time worries - But that isn't an excuse...I am not going to use those precious boys as an excuse.....they are the most difficult thing in my life, but also the most priceless.
So am I recovering for them? Another good question - and in part yes, I will recover for them. But mostly I will recover for me - for my sanity and my self-worth. To rid myself of the blackness of bulimia and starving myself....to abolish the mad dashes of binging in secret and yes, eating cupcakes in the parking lot.
I've been down this road before - so I know it is possible...that is to my advantage...I know the sweet freedom of health and recovery....and I will hold onto that with everything I have.....but as I said, my life is MUCH different - so I will have added challenges yes, but also hopefully added supports. Added strenght to the journey.
How did I get here? The question is valid. I had such a great recovery - full recovery. But that was then - when life was a bit more simple - when I didn't have two sons and a full-time job and a full-time nanny and full-time worries - But that isn't an excuse...I am not going to use those precious boys as an excuse.....they are the most difficult thing in my life, but also the most priceless.
So am I recovering for them? Another good question - and in part yes, I will recover for them. But mostly I will recover for me - for my sanity and my self-worth. To rid myself of the blackness of bulimia and starving myself....to abolish the mad dashes of binging in secret and yes, eating cupcakes in the parking lot.
I've been down this road before - so I know it is possible...that is to my advantage...I know the sweet freedom of health and recovery....and I will hold onto that with everything I have.....but as I said, my life is MUCH different - so I will have added challenges yes, but also hopefully added supports. Added strenght to the journey.
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