So yesterday was a good day. A healthy day. A day where I didn't starve and I didn't shove food. I didn't shove feelings or allow myself to get to tired, overwhelmed, stressed or frustrated. It was a "sheltered" day - - I tip-toed around myself. I quietly moved through the day, hoping not to encounter the self I have been for the past few weeks. It's tricky - but it seemed to work.
It left me with a vague feeling of cheating - like I really wasn't me, so of course it was a good day. Like any minute I would revert back to the chaos in my mind and I would be off and running....feeling like I wish I could disappear and run to the kitchen to numb myself. What is the real me....when I focus on sanity and serenity, do I live in a fantasy bubble - do I set myself up for a bigger fall in the end when it all does become too much?
Could the person that existed in my mind yesterday be the default person that I could be? What steps do I have to take to protect my health and sanity? What parts of my "normal" life might I have to sacrifice to survive? Should I volunteer less, spend less time at work, more with my kids, or vice versa? Do I get more involved or less....do I need to meditate, take yoga? Or is it simply the ability to commit fully to being healthy - no matter what.......?
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